April 7, 2009
The Unspoken Love..
She was my first 'real' childhood crush. (Not counting Pamela Anderson's Dumbbells Silicon Acts in Baywatch, running on Malibu beach in California). But, she was the first one to give me swings and twirls in the stomach. She was the first one, with whom striking a conversation for the 'most talkative' student in the class was as difficult as getting your report card signed by the parents, specially when you have flunked in a paper. We were friends, n best one too, though we never admit it officially. I literally made her cry, when i hit the Science teacher with a chalk, and the teacher thought she did it, sitting on the next bench in front of me. I literally fainted on the sunny afternoon practicing too much for Annual Sports Day because she said, Amit, You can win the 100m Race this year.
She was the focal point of my vivid imagination, be in class, bus stop or canteen. She was the simulacra of the women i was fascinated with, at that adolescent age. She became Shipa Shetty of Bazigaar, but I didn't wanted to throw her down from a multi-storey building. Not that it was going to be painful, but i wanted her to die in my arms. She became Scott Neal of The beautiful thing, but I couldn't think her mother to be a devil. Not that it was going to be torchorous for her,but i wanted her to be teased only by me and my antics. She became Kajol of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, but I didn't wanted her to cry when she gets married to someone else. Not that I was going to leave her , but I wanted her to wait for me atleast till I turn 21.
By the time I realized my schmaltzy and soppy feelings for her, her dad got a transfer in his government job to a place on another extreme of India. I waited to tell her about my affection and she waited for me to turn up to her, to say things she always wanted to hear. On her last day at school, i was so nervous, I couldn't muster enough courage to talk and say a proper goodbye to her. Not that i was expecting a goodbye kiss, but I wanted her not to feel bad about leaving the school , and more importantly ME. I just stuffed the Archies 'goodluck card' in her black school bag during the lunch-break and allowed myself to be relieved of her memories forever. Foolishly, not knowing that the memories are like ghost stories, they always come back to haunt you.
She left Delhi, got settled, and in the new school and in the new class, she made new friends -Twinkle, Swati, Tisha in that order. Months later, when i heard the sequence of her friends, i was enrapted and ecstatic by not finding even a single male species in that list. But there was a silence between us, which never got broken. She never contacted me and neither did I bothered to talk to her. Keeping her complete postal address written in a diary for all those years just became an accomplishment, my most cherished one. Year went by, we grew up, and memories started to vaporize with the steam of a mundane life. Not that i wanted anything from her, but then letting her know what i felt for her once upon a time became just an ambition, which i wanted to accomplish, my most prized one. Trying to find her after starting an account on orkut and Facebook was like an unquenched thirst in the desert of Social Networking Websites. I never found her, though I did sent friend requests to zillions of females, with the same name (and any relationship status), who denied the request thinking me of a pervert of the highest order.
14 years later, One winter night I got a friend request, and reading the name of the person who sent it, made me jump in joy so hard, i thought i would never come back to ground on two legs. Ya, the request was from her. She was married 2 years back, married at a third extreme corner of India, and in short - fit, fine and well settled. Going through the Photo albums on orkut - of her marriage, of her workplace, of her honeymoon brought a gulp in my throat. Not that i was wishing myself to be with her, but the fact that she was with someone else, and happy too. From no where a streak of jealousy came and hit me for a moment, only to realize later the impracticality of that bodily function.
Conversations flew on gtalk and yahoo messenger. I wished i was using a few more of chat tools, i would have added her there as well. Loosing her again was a chance i didn't wanted to take in this lifetime. Discussing 14 years of life was not easy, but she made it extremely cordial for me. And then i Did something which I have always wanted to do, fulfill my ambition, tell her what i used to feel for her in class 7, regardless of the ramifications that how stupid and immature it may sound to her. But her response gave my otterly dull and monotonous life a streak of brightness and viciousness. She said, she felt the same way at that time, and waited for me to talk to her before she left the school. Sigh!! I finally did told her, only glitch is, i was a bit late, Actually just 14 years late !!
And then, Just one line from her for which, I am going to cherish this friendship all my life, I am going to respect her at all times, I am going to wish her luck all the time. She said - Amit, You would always be a special person in my life. And that is because, I know you from the time I knew what Love is. I know you from the time I knew what it is to feel like being in Love. And I know you since the time when i felt the pain of being in Love. We never talked for 14 years, but you influenced my life and my future relationships immensely.
I was touched and I couldn't say anything to her after that, apart from One word - Touch wood !!