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April 7, 2009

The Unspoken Love..


She was my first 'real' childhood crush. (Not counting Pamela Anderson's Dumbbells Silicon Acts in Baywatch, running on Malibu beach in California). But, she was the first one to give me swings and twirls in the stomach. She was the first one, with whom striking a conversation for the 'most talkative' student in the class was as difficult as getting your report card signed by the parents, specially when you have flunked in a paper. We were friends, n best one too, though we never admit it officially. I literally made her cry, when i hit the Science teacher with a chalk, and the teacher thought she did it, sitting on the next bench in front of me. I literally fainted on the sunny afternoon
practicing too much for Annual Sports Day because she said, Amit, You can win the 100m Race this year.

She was the focal point of my vivid imagination, be in class, bus stop or canteen. She was the simulacra of the women i was fascinated with, at that adolescent age.
She became Shipa Shetty of Bazigaar, but I didn't wanted to throw her down from a multi-storey building. Not that it was going to be painful, but i wanted her to die in my arms. She became Scott Neal of The beautiful thing, but I couldn't think her mother to be a devil. Not that it was going to be torchorous for her,but i wanted her to be teased only by me and my antics. She became Kajol of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, but I didn't wanted her to cry when she gets married to someone else. Not that I was going to leave her , but I wanted her to wait for me atleast till I turn 21.

By the time I realized my schmaltzy and soppy feelings for her, her dad got a transfer in his government job to a place on another extreme of India. I waited to tell her about my affection and she waited for me to turn up to her, to say things she always wanted to hear. On her last day at school, i was so nervous, I couldn't muster enough courage to talk and say a proper goodbye to her. Not that i was expecting a goodbye kiss, but I wanted her not to feel bad about leaving the school , and more importantly ME. I just stuffed the Archies 'goodluck card' in her black school bag during the lunch-break and allowed myself to be relieved of her memories forever. Foolishly, not knowing that the memories are like ghost stories, they always come back to haunt you.

She left Delhi, got settled, and in the new school and in the new class, she made new friends -Twinkle, Swati, Tisha in that order. Months later, when i heard the sequence of her friends, i was enrapted and ecstatic by not finding even a single male species in that list. But there was a silence between us, which never got broken. She never contacted me and neither did I bothered to talk to her. Keeping her complete postal address written in a diary for all those years just became an accomplishment, my most cherished one. Year went by, we grew up, and memories started to vaporize with the steam of a mundane life. Not that i wanted anything from her, but then letting her know what i felt for her once upon a time became just an ambition, which i wanted to accomplish, my most prized one. Trying to find her after starting an account on orkut and Facebook was like an unquenched thirst in the desert of Social Networking Websites. I never found her, though I did sent friend requests to zillions of females, with the same name (and any relationship status), who denied the request thinking me of a pervert of the highest order.


14 years later, One winter night I got a friend request, and reading the name of the person who sent it, made me jump in joy so hard, i thought i would never come back to ground on two legs. Ya, the request was from her. She was married 2 years back, married at a third extreme corner of India, and in short - fit, fine and well settled. Going through the Photo albums on orkut - of her marriage, of her workplace, of her honeymoon brought a gulp in my throat. Not that i was wishing myself to be with her, but the fact that she was with someone else, and happy too. From no where a streak of jealousy came and hit me for a moment, only to realize later the impracticality of that bodily function.

Conversations flew on gtalk and yahoo messenger. I wished i was using a few more of chat tools, i would have added her there as well. Loosing her again was a chance i didn't wanted to take in this lifetime. Discussing 14 years of life was not easy, but she made it extremely cordial for me. And then i Did something which I have always wanted to do, fulfill my ambition, tell her what i used to feel for her in class 7, regardless of the ramifications that how stupid and immature it may sound to her. But her response gave my otterly dull and monotonous life a streak of brightness and viciousness. She said, she felt the same way at that time, and waited for me to talk to her before she left the school. Sigh!! I finally did told her, only glitch is, i was a bit late, Actually just 14 years late !!


And then, Just one line from her for which, I am going to cherish this friendship all my life, I am going to respect her at all times, I am going to wish her luck all the time. She said - Amit, You would always be a special person in my life. And that is because, I know you from the time I knew what Love is. I know you from the time I knew what it is to feel like being in Love. And I know you since the time when i felt the pain of being in Love. We never talked for 14 years, but you influenced my life and my future relationships immensely.


I was touched and I couldn't say anything to her after that, apart from One word - Touch wood !!

45 comments:

Newbie Mommy said...

Simply brilliant. Love the way you have expressed certain things and looking forward to more :)

Little Girl Lost said...

dear amit,
it is my first visit to your blog and i can't tell you how much i loved it.
your writing made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
i hope to keep coming back here to read more and more...you write magically :)

Take care. do visit.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Newbie Mommy

Firstly, welcome back to the blogging world after your long hiatus. Though, I admit we didn't miss you anytime :P ...Thanks for ur kind words n keep visiting PS: better start writing again!!

Sakshi said...

Awww...that's sweet. I mean, sad but sweet. Next time, be a man and SPEAK up!
:)
S.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@ Little Girl Lost

Hi, welcome to my blog !! Thanks for visiting. I Couldn't find your name on the blog, so in the meantime would address you like this only. Thanks for your appreciation. N would love to see your responses anytime i write. Keep in touch either through following or e-mail subscription.

I went through a few posts on the front page of your blog. Good to hear that ur an adventure freak like me. But I think Wednesday was a good film - cliches apart,it comes with a solid ideology in the end which u may agree or not, but it forces u to think abt the country and situation we are in

I am following ur blog from now on..Keep in touch ..tk care..best wishes :)

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Sakshi

Welcome to the blog!! this is your first comment here !! n Ya, Wait n let me post the remaining parts on the same topic, then i think u got to see the Man-liness of me and how much n fast i can be :P

Wait n watch...keep in touch :)

CutePriya said...

Awwww...I can empathize with you...but may be life has something better in store for you...look at me...i am parted with ex after years of strong bond...nothing to crib about...At least you should be happy about the fact that you could be "Friends Forever"...

Loads of Love,
Priya :)

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Priya

Life did had lot of better things for me in the future.(watch out for other parts in this series). This happened when i was thirteen. it was just a hidden ambition i guess, somewhere in a deep corner of my heart. N ya, we r now friends n talk often :)

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Kya bolu....?

Story really went very well...
wondering what if that girl reads your blog....

Anyways that u will handle very well...:P
Title meim emails ki baat ho rahi thi, isme to kuch aur hai..
i mean story achchi hai par title ke saath gayi ya nahi..yeh to thoda doubtful laga...
but still tumhare titles bahut catchy hote hai..:)

Cheers...

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Mahesh,

Thanks buddy:) well, she does read the blog..n she was the first one to ping me offline on this:) Well, ya i started as an email but it turned into a story ..hopefully next time its gonna be a story in an email format..i wld stick by it:) ..n thanks fr the appreciation :)

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

u r too fast in replying back... :P

keep going...

Cheers

Hopeless Romantic said...

:)..no it was just coincidence i was online n i saw the notification email when u commented :)

Anonymous said...

such an innocent n beautiful love story....amazing writting skills as alws...

The Phoenix said...

You know what? And you are not going to believe it. I too have a similar story in my life. The only difference is that I was already married when I confessed my feelings to him while he is still single.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Anonymous

Thanks for ur kind words:) n i told u last time start posting with ur name :P

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Phoenix

Wow...thats cool..then u cn identify completely with me...Love plays a lot of games in our lives..we should enjoy n learn from each of them !!

bondgal_rulz said...

Awww....thatw as mushy magic indeed. :)

Great blog. :)

Keep penning.

Cheers

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Bondgal

Hi, welcome to the blog, its ur first comment!! Thanks a lot :)...keep in touch !!

Ms.R. said...

Awww this was so touching. Really. *Thumbs up* I like the way you write. Keep you the good work (:

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Ms R

thanks a lot for those nice words...keep reading ..best wishes :)

Ms.R. said...

up* ;)

Hopeless Romantic said...

@R

Ya, i got that typo..its ok :)

Siya said...

Hi Amit!

Saw you on my followers list..! First time on your blog!

And, freaky coincidence, this story is a much better version of mine which is really very similar! I have a post up on my blog..a lil about it!
Thank you for those times :)

We were friends, n best one too, though we never admit it officially. : Was pretty much the same in my case..we were fighting all the time..and yet best of friends! Never to admit it, though!

In my case, I changed schools..

And then i Did something which I have always wanted to do, fulfill my ambition, tell her what i used to feel for her in class 7, regardless of the ramifications that how stupid and immature it may sound to her.: You really did a great thing..one that requires great amount of guts for sure!!

In my case, that guy..has gotten in touch with me after five years of me changing schools..and he just wouldn't admit it..I know he wants to say it..he gets close..then gets scared or something..Shit, guys are such a confused hell of a mess!! He asked me out and..when he though I wasn't interested..he quickly pretended it to be a joke!! i SO wish he would just say it..the way he used to feel about me in class 7..because I do know there was something..so that I can tell him too how I felt..I know I could be first..but I guess, I'm just too old-fashioned for that!

fms1988 said...

Awww..thats so sweet.
I mean somewhere along reading it i was thinking damn why didn't you say it.But if you did the story may have not been so lovelly.
First visit to your blog & yep very impressd!
will be poppin down here often !!
c ya.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Siya

Thanks buddy for that long 'analysis' of my post...i simply loved doing that myself too for other people posts. It was great to cu here...N ya, Guys r nt confused...they r clear..but at times they fear rejection !! times change, u shld change too..get more bolder..so if u like someone ..go ahead n live ur dream !!

Hopeless Romantic said...

@fms 1988

Hi, Firstly welcome to my blog. Its good to cu here...n ya, i was only 13 at that time n didnt thought it was the right time to get involve with girls :) ...but i did say after 14 years :)..thanks fr ur kind words..keep in touch !!

nsiyer said...

These things have happened to me. I believe things happen for the good. The mills of God grind slowly but surely.

nsiyer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hopeless Romantic said...

@nsiyer

Yes Iyer sir, we do realise a few things when they r gone..we realise their value more when we r passed those things somewhere in the past :)

Thanks for dropping by :)

workhard said...

Atleast u got to know how she felt but im sure that would have given u mixed feeilngs..and it sometimes gives u a guilt trip as to why u didnt say anything before.. but that was just seventh grade so u ll live :) Nice post..

Haiku poetry

Hopeless Romantic said...

@workhard

Well, the feeling was mutual. we just had crush on each other n we confessed it 14 years later. nothing more, nothing less. it was class 7, we were too naive to understand the subtle nuances of love and its complications.

Keep visiting!
Amit

Gauri Mathur said...

Innocent Expressions! Liked it:)

Its Said that Silence is the language of love, but theres a time comes when words matter more then silence.
:)
Take care.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Gauri

Yups, i agree with the line u just said. Sometimes, words do need to come out to have something worked upon.

Cheers,
Amit

rh3a said...

Haye! its so cute yaar! :)

reminded me of childhood days n first crushes n all those teasing n blushing stuff... *sigh*

was smiling ear to ear while reading this, ur stories r like straight out of 'chicken soup for the soul' in the indian context! :P

this one really made my day! :D

Hopeless Romantic said...

@rh3a

Hahaha...childhood crushes were fun..awesome days those were :)

PS: you won't believe or expect this from such a big book lover n reader, but i Have not read even one single 'chicken soup' book. It must be a really freakish coincidence that if something is similar to those stories. I basically write from my experiences and people around me. Ya, watching movies and reading books also has a deep impact on me .

Glad i made ur day :)

Stay good !
Amit

Riya Rocks said...

hmmm it is so nice

really great :)

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Riya

Thank you very much :)

Keep visiting!
Amit

Megha Gupta said...

as i said earlier...not all the stories in this world are meant to have a perfect ending...yet they are beautiful in their own way....

keep going..
love:)

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Megha

I agree, every love story does not need to be be perfect :)

keep coming back !

Love,
Amit

Satans Darling™ said...

Really, touchwood.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Ashrita

I hope so too !

Thanks,
Amit

mêlée said...

one of the best blogs I ever bumped into...and I havent read all the posts yet :)

if one is overwhelmed by some random good finding, its hard to express it all in one go...so will take more time to comment a comment!

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Melee

welcome to my blog, thanks for visiting and i am happy liked it that much!

Please take your time in going through all the posts and do let me know of your opinion. Long or short comment doesn't matter, what you feel about my posts is extremely important!

cheers,
amit

Angel said...

Its really nice to keep few things unspoken because when people speak up things do not turn out as beautiful as they are thought to be :)

Sau graam zindagi said...

Discovered your blog few days back and since then I've been reading a lot of it.
Already a follower now. :-)
I really got moved by this post and the previous one in the series (love happens once and rest is just life) of yours.
Can imagine how it feels like to be in your shoes.
I wish if one could muster up the courage to speak unspoken words, life would be altogether different. :-)