April 11, 2010
Agony Uncle, Blogging Queries & a Tag!
Q1. I am in a virtual relationship with a 22 year old male. My BF is driving me nuts these days, i feel kicking him in the groin all the time, thereby making him impotent. But i always end up breaking my laptop and i am typing this now from a brand new one. Please suggest how to get rid of him without acting like a bitch and sounding rude.
A1: Getting rude to boys should come naturally to girls of your age. There seems to be a hormonal imbalance, please consult your gynecologist as soon as possible. You may also like to form a community on facebook - I Hate my Bf (IHMB). You can bitch about him on this forum, and later on 'accidentally' reveal the group to him. He will get pissed, but will keep quiet seeing how you have revealed his "small size" you encountered on the cam chat. But please make sure you don't discuss your breast size on such online networks. Otherwise be prepared to get offended on Valentine's Day when he gift you push-up bras.
Q2. I am doing blogging for the last 3 years, but my followers count is still in early double figures (actually i just crossed over from single figures, i was so relieved - it felt like entering a new generation). I comment back on each of my posts and even go to other blogs to drop comments like - " see you soon at my place", "see you around", "please visit my place" and "drop by my blog to shower some words" but nothing seems to work. I agree that i write shit, but hell, i have seen worse sitters (read writers) doing shit. I feel depressed and thoughts of suicide often come through my mind. Please help Uncle.
A2: First stop calling me uncle, otherwise i will make you shit-for-tat. You have not mentioned your gender. But seeing your stressful state of mind, i am assuming you are a male. Look, this is a price you have to pay for being in minority on this online space. I have heard rumours that a bill will be passed soon in the Indian parliament asking for 33 percent reservation for males in blogs operated from India. Obviously, Female bloggers are opposing it vehemently citing blogosphere as a new dawn in the Indian economy. It is their only solace of seeking male attention apart from getting in office, home and on roads. But coming back to your issue, first thing you should do is get a snap with a hot chick. The girl should not be wearing revealing clothes but should be revealing atleast the cleavage. This will increase your brand value among other male bloggers and they will instantly follow you hoping for sexy pictures on your blog. And as far as attracting female bloggers go; start writing mushy, teary and romantic posts. Hit them hard where it hurts most (pun intended unintentionally) . And if you can't write, simple - Just Google it, and find such posts. Where there is a will, there is a way (through copy paste).
Q3. I am a 23 year old girl with average looks. Blogging is my last hope of getting any attention from the opposite sex. I am shy in sharing my pics on blogs and don't know how to approach men. I do not want to turn lesbian, so please help me in getting atleast a date or better, a sex filled date soon.
A3: You need to shed your shyness to have any hope of shedding your clothes with men. Get a make over done soon. Get a new display picture showing your eyes and half nose. This will enhance your sexual appeal. If you don't have big breasts, you can cover your lower portion by a soft toy or a pillow. But please refrain from using red panties to cover yourself up, this will be like giving wrong signals to men and you run the risk of being labelled as a slut. You can send such naughty pics later on to men when they add you on Gtalk. Also, make sure you have a profile on facebook, link of which should be present on your blog. This will help in diverting all the traffic from your blog and if they are REAL men, they will add you on FB. Later on, you can crib through status messages how big assholes men are who keep on pestering you through friend requests in broken English. You can also write "quarter-life-crisis" and "sex-less-life" posts on your blog. This will help you in evaluating how men can provide a helping hand. I am sure soon you will have loads of options to pick your date. Good luck!
Q4. There is a (infamous) blog - Love is always new. I absolutely hate whatever he writes. I think he is good for nothing and always blow his own trumpet. I have tried everything in the book; sending him anonymous abusive comments and e-mails but nothing seems to work. I do not want to reveal my bitchiness to people, but i want him to stop blogging. His popularity is getting on my nerves all the time. I am always finding ways to put him down. Please help before i seek help from a psychiatrist.
A4: You need to settle down and think with a calm mind. I suggest you enroll yourself in an anger management course or better see Love - a movie in which Revathi teaches Salman Khan counting from one to ten to control his fuming muscles. It's alright to be a jerk by getting jealous of such blogs, but at the same time be innovative. You need to be on your toes (not because your brain cell works from there) to find some way to tackle this monster. You can write posts citing his work, you can write how he makes grammatical mistakes in a long post and best, you can also attack his ethics and moral values. Be a brave and stubborn bone and make short/long term plans to stop him. Improve your time management skills to better utilize time in creating nuisance about him by talking to other fellow bloggers. All the very best for your future endeavors to get him off writing on his own blog.
Q5. I am a 23 year old female working in a big Multinational company. My manager have come to know of my blogging habits and now he is trying to read all my posts. Currently i have made my blog private but i don't want to do that for too long. Can you suggest my future course of action with him, both in office and on blog?
A5. You are fucked. Oops! Your future course of action should be intercourse with him. Jokes apart, you should delete the posts where you bitched about him or better you can replace your boss's name with his boss name. After all, there is a delegation of anger just like delegation of responsibility. Make sure you are on your best behaviour in the office in the coming days. Try and take some home made halwaa for him, which even his wife can't cook in her dreams. You can also try asking him for a lift to drop home after pretending to work hard late in office hours. You can utilize the time giving hints of how powerful his after shave lotion is and how it makes you crazy.You can also tell how wonderful he looks in those ill-fitted jeans taken from Kamla market for 100 rupees. And don't forget to mention how wonderfully he is managing the project and his extraordinary leadership skills. On your blog, write nice things about him citing his cooperative and supporting nature. Persist with him and you will soon be rewarded during appraisal time.
PS: Any resemblance to a person living or dead is purely coincidental and is deliberately intended to cause distress, emotional trauma and more bitching in the blogging world. Please refrain from taking any names in the comment section but you can drop me a mail at email@example.com. I promise, i won't forward your emails to the rival gang.
PPS: The original idea of this post came from Brown Phantom's Blog, though I have changed the content from Facebook to Blogging and from Agony Aunt to Agony Uncle to save myself from copyright violation issues. Call that for some creativity! You better do, otherwise i am going to block you on FB, twitter and orkut. (I hear you saying you are not on orkut anymore. So what, i can still block a person of your name. Hell!)