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Looking for Love?

April 11, 2010

Agony Uncle, Blogging Queries & a Tag!


Q1. I am in a virtual relationship with a 22 year old male. My BF is driving me nuts these days, i feel kicking him in the groin all the time, thereby making him impotent. But i always end up breaking my laptop and i am typing this now from a brand new one. Please suggest how to get rid of him without acting like a bitch and sounding rude.

A1: Getting rude to boys should come naturally to girls of your age. There seems to be a hormonal imbalance, please consult your gynecologist as soon as possible. You may also like to form a community on facebook - I Hate my Bf (IHMB). You can bitch about him on this forum, and later on 'accidentally' reveal the group to him. He will get pissed, but will keep quiet seeing how you have revealed his "small size" you encountered on the cam chat. But please make sure you don't discuss your breast size on such online networks. Otherwise be prepared to get offended on Valentine's Day when he gift you push-up bras.

Q2. I am doing blogging for the last 3 years, but my followers count is still in early double figures (actually i just crossed over from single figures, i was so relieved - it felt like entering a new generation). I comment back on each of my posts and even go to other blogs to drop comments like - " see you soon at my place", "see you around", "please visit my place" and "drop by my blog to shower some words" but nothing seems to work. I agree that i write shit, but hell, i have seen worse sitters (read writers) doing shit. I feel depressed and thoughts of suicide often come through my mind. Please help Uncle.

A2: First stop calling me uncle, otherwise i will make you shit-for-tat. You have not mentioned your gender. But seeing your stressful state of mind, i am assuming you are a male. Look, this is a price you have to pay for being in minority on this online space. I have heard rumours that a bill will be passed soon in the Indian parliament asking for 33 percent reservation for males in blogs operated from India. Obviously, Female bloggers are opposing it vehemently citing blogosphere as a new dawn in the Indian economy. It is their only solace of seeking male attention apart from getting in office, home and on roads. But coming back to your issue, first thing you should do is get a snap with a hot chick. The girl should not be wearing revealing clothes but should be revealing atleast the cleavage. This will increase your brand value among other male bloggers and they will instantly follow you hoping for sexy pictures on your blog. And as far as attracting female bloggers go; start writing mushy, teary and romantic posts. Hit them hard where it hurts most (pun intended unintentionally) . And if you can't write, simple - Just Google it, and find such posts. Where there is a will, there is a way (through copy paste).

Q3. I am a 23 year old girl with average looks. Blogging is my last hope of getting any attention from the opposite sex. I am shy in sharing my pics on blogs and don't know how to approach men. I do not want to turn lesbian, so please help me in getting atleast a date or better, a sex filled date soon.

A3: You need to shed your shyness to have any hope of shedding your clothes with men. Get a make over done soon. Get a new display picture showing your eyes and half nose.
This will enhance your sexual appeal. If you don't have big breasts, you can cover your lower portion by a soft toy or a pillow. But please refrain from using red panties to cover yourself up, this will be like giving wrong signals to men and you run the risk of being labelled as a slut. You can send such naughty pics later on to men when they add you on Gtalk. Also, make sure you have a profile on facebook, link of which should be present on your blog. This will help in diverting all the traffic from your blog and if they are REAL men, they will add you on FB. Later on, you can crib through status messages how big assholes men are who keep on pestering you through friend requests in broken English. You can also write "quarter-life-crisis" and "sex-less-life" posts on your blog. This will help you in evaluating how men can provide a helping hand. I am sure soon you will have loads of options to pick your date. Good luck!

Q4. There is a (infamous) blog - Love is always new. I absolutely hate whatever he writes. I think he is good for nothing and always blow his own trumpet. I have tried everything in the book; sending him anonymous abusive comments and e-mails but nothing seems to work. I do not want to reveal my bitchiness to people, but i want him to stop blogging. His popularity is getting on my nerves all the time. I am always finding ways to put him down. Please help before i seek help from a psychiatrist.

A4: You need to settle down and think with a calm mind. I suggest you enroll yourself in an anger management course or better see Love - a movie in which Revathi teaches Salman Khan counting from one to ten to control his fuming muscles. It's alright to be a jerk by getting jealous of such blogs, but at the same time be innovative. You need to be on your toes (not because your brain cell works from there) to find some way to tackle this monster. You can write posts citing his work, you can write how he makes grammatical mistakes in a long post and best, you can also attack his ethics and moral values. Be a brave and stubborn bone and make short/long term plans to stop him. Improve your time management skills to better utilize time in creating nuisance about him by talking to other fellow bloggers. All the very best for your future endeavors to get him off writing on his own blog.

Q5. I am a 23 year old female working in a big Multinational company. My manager have come to know of my blogging habits and now he is trying to read all my posts. Currently i have made my blog private but i don't want to do that for too long. Can you suggest my future course of action with him, both in office and on blog?

A5. You are fucked. Oops! Your future course of action should be intercourse with him. Jokes apart, you should delete the posts where you bitched about him or better you can replace your boss's name with his boss name. After all, there is a delegation of anger just like delegation of responsibility. Make sure you are on your best behaviour in the office in the coming days. Try and take some home made halwaa for him, which even his wife can't cook in her dreams. You can also try asking him for a lift to drop home after pretending to work hard late in office hours. You can utilize the time giving hints of how powerful his after shave lotion is and how it makes you crazy.
You can also tell how wonderful he looks in those ill-fitted jeans taken from Kamla market for 100 rupees. And don't forget to mention how wonderfully he is managing the project and his extraordinary leadership skills. On your blog, write nice things about him citing his cooperative and supporting nature. Persist with him and you will soon be rewarded during appraisal time.

PS: Any resemblance to a person living or dead is purely coincidental and is deliberately intended to cause distress, emotional trauma and more bitching in the blogging world. Please refrain from taking any names in the comment section but you can drop me a mail at loveisalwaysnew@gmail.com. I promise, i won't forward your emails to the rival gang.

PPS: The original idea of this post came from Brown Phantom's Blog, though I have changed the content from Facebook to Blogging and from Agony Aunt to Agony Uncle to save myself from copyright violation issues. Call that for some creativity! You better do, otherwise i am going to block you on FB, twitter and orkut. (I hear you saying you are not on orkut anymore. So what, i can still block a person of your name. Hell!)


20 comments:

gargi said...

Yeah ...so as I was saying... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?... I was laughing at it but then I was like what is wrong with AMIT?!?!? this is a tough one to comment on...! I know some..i think I know some...and I don't want to know some people! =D Kya bolu...i am tongue tied!

This blogging world is more spice than the Page 3 gossip! I mean the amount of bitching/backstabbing/telling the truth is just A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! And guess what... I like it! Puts some masala in the boring blogsville! And anyways... Agar apne hi blog par sach nahi bologe (muh nahi khologe) to kahan bologe?!?!

I don't want to comment particularly about each point..but i know what they are... but hey.. i don't like the IHMB part...grrr... and do not make fun of the online relationships! *WINK WINK*... You are asking for trouble guptaji...be careful! You wouldn't want people "un-following" your blog! ;)

okay..enough BS-ing...

ciao for now
(until your next bitching session!)
You Know Me!

ps..the post was kind of harsh you know... If I find out im in there....well im on to the next flight to brisbane..to murder you!!!

Tweety said...

dam u amit...i couldn't stop laughing on this...WOW...awsome dude...

oRange* said...

Agony Uncle, THIS was hilarioussss!

Samadrita said...

ROFL you just reminded of the Suhel Seth column in The Telegraph that I look forward to reading every Sunday.The man really cracks me up!
Loved this post.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@ Shweta

Thanks, glad you liked it. Intention was the same, to make people laugh. That's how it should be always.

Love,
Amit

Hopeless Romantic said...

@ Orange

Don't call me uncle :P thanks, it was fun :)

Cheers,
Amit

Hopeless Romantic said...

@ Samadrita

I have never read his column but i do read his blog sometimes on CNN-IBN website. It's humorous, witty and well intended. Sad, some idiotic people always take it other way round.

Love,
Amit

Hopeless Romantic said...

@ Gargi

Lol, chill babe(s) :P Why so much stressing out, it’s just a post.

I have told u this before also, though you always disagree with me. I never write with people in my mind, I write with thoughts in my mind. Same characteristic can be exhibited by many people, so don’t make futile attempts at trying to guess the people behind this.

Lol, I don’t think so it matters who bitches about you, but yes I agree it do make things spicy. I like to take dig on certain notions the way blogs function. If someone has a problem in me bringing out the truth, they should go and figure it out themselves. But you know they won’t, after all – All assholes do have one thing in common – they always have a useless opinion.

Why should I not make fun of IHMB, who is going to stop me – that’s the big question. And as far as online relationships are concerned, well less said about it, better it is. If anyone has the maturity to understand, they can take things in the right spirit, they will find this post funny/witty and won’t make any personal remarks. Sad, some people need to get a life.

When a humour writer writes a witty post, it’s ok. But when I write it, it’s called stereotype. Some people deserve a kick on their bum and nothing else ;-)

PS: You were there in the post, you missed it. But then you are not the only one having that characteristic, so don’t worry. But in any case, you are welcome to Brisbane anytime :)

Love,
Amit

gargi said...

HAWWWW..amit u meannyyy!!
I am in there?!?!... oh you're definitely asking for trouble now... *gives you THE eyes*..

I would like to fight for my case here!!

Q1 - My bf is 21!!! and my relationship is not VIRTUAL! i know him i have met him and I have been with him!! It's a LDR! Not any online swayamvar! And i DO NOT hate him whatsoever! I have only had one laptop which I take care of thank you very much. This is NOT me okay!

Q2. my blog is not 3 years old! its a newbie..abhi to main jawan hun sirf 1.5years! I am not loosing my followers... I am not forcing anyone to follow it either! I don't care if I end up with no followers! I write for myself.

Q3. i am not 23 and I do not need attention from the opposite sex. I am not a male either!!...lol!

Q4. oh yes.. i do hate this guy blogging about love... =P lol.. i don't hate your blog.. now stop crying inside the blanket like that =P

Q5. I don't write about office-mates. I am not that big of a loony!..lol!

Phew..there is my justification.. so shooo! LOL!

It's ok amit.. don't get so fired up. Let everyone be what they are..and you can be what you are. Because those who matter to you wont care...and those who don't matter..well they can breathe fire at u!..LOL! You can sit back relax and enjoy the show! Kisi ke kehne se kuch ho nahi jata. It's best to not waste your energy behind such silly little issues. Waahh..main kina acha bolti hun!

LOL!
take care...remember deep breath!
and ENJOY! =)

suruchi said...

Hi Amit
LMAO post!
I have yet to decide if you are more humorous or more mushy! You seem to be doing a good job of them all!

And Agony master*see I didn’t call u uncle despite ur insistence to call me di:-(*

Mera bhi ek problem hain...
I want to be as mind blowing a writer as HR...
Any suggestions?;-)

Minstrel Incognito said...

Hilarious dude!!! Yes asking for whack but got me LMAOing anyways!!!Hehe! I like your wit! :)

Regards,
Minstrel In Hibernation
(http://minstrelinhibernation.blogspot.com)

Hopeless Romantic said...

@suruchi Di

Thanks for not calling me by the dreaded word, i prefer ‘mister’ anyday. Keep talking to me, influence will come soon, lol.

Thanks for appreciating.

Cheers,
Amit

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Minstrel Incognito

Thanks a ton. Glad you can find the wit in it, its not an easy thing to do actually.

Cheers,
Amit

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Gargi

No explanations required, it was just a joke. In any case, i am not mad enough to tell you where exactly you are in the post, i.e in case you are in the post, if at all. Kuch zyada hi bolthi hain aajkal, without even asking for it. But then you are just being you and just a girl. No worries, nothing to fret upon reallly.

Love,
Amit

Shruti said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha


I loved every bit of it!!!

and i ended up laughing really loud!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D

Hopeless Romantic said...

@ Shruti

lol, nice, keep smiling :)

Enjoy,
Amit

wsxwhx747 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Agony Uncle Agony Uncle, This was fun. I will come up with my questions soon too. ;)

Kisses.

Hopeless Romantic said...

@Wsx (or whatever :P)

Thanks!

Cheers,
amit

Hopeless Romantic said...

@LSL

Uncle mat bolo na :( :P

Sure, drop me your questions at my email id, promise won't forward them ;-)

Cheers,
Amit