Q1. I am a 22 year old newly married woman. My life completely changed on 1 April, 2010. No, i did not got married that day..but Zynga launched the game Treasure Isle on Facebook. My husband spend more time digging treasures in the game than digging me. Keeping the philanderer nature of my husband, i thought of confronting with another slut..but it is not even a woman, it is a bloody game. I want to soon consummate my marriage and get laid, please suggest a suitable solution.
A1: I would have love to come and help you personally ... but these days, i spend my free time in playing Treasure Isle. Sorry about that!! But as far as your husband is concerned, you need to be a little bold and proactive with him. As soon he try to make a move in playing the Island, open the depths of your valley. You can try and seduce him with a customised avataar wearing printed lingerie of bananas. This way, you may open a chance of getting hold of other kind of banana (along with nuts). You can also surf some porn websites and deliberately induce ad-ware and spyware on his laptop. The pop-up advertisements of half-naked dancing girls will distract him while playing TI and in turn, you can get a chance to be on top of him. Since you don't have any other work to do, you can always start an online campaign of Stop-TI-Save-Marriage on Face Book. Have fun...and please don't forget to ask him to add me as neighbour.
Q2. I am a 18 year old first year university student and a regular player of treasure isle. I can't even shit in the morning unless i send and receive fruits from my other friends. I can't concentrate on the lectures as i keep refreshing my page to see when my planted fruits will grow up. I am not worried about grades in this semester, but if i fail - my father may cut the internet connection at home and i can't play TI. Please help me, Uncle.
A2. Next time someone call me uncle... i am going to come and dig their ass first or better, i burn that bloody Zynga office who forces me to undergo this humiliation every day. (Deep breaths, in and out, 3 times) Look son, the simplest idea could be to bump off your father who is an imminent threat to you leveling up on TI. But given the horrendous ratio of Indian hit-men, they may end up destroying your internet connection, something on which you can't take any chances. I suggest you should get into a collaborative strategical mode and add all your teachers as neighbour on TI. They will pass you in the exams in the hope of getting energy pack from you everyday. Improve your concentration by playing TI continuously, and do well later on in exams. And please don't forget to send me relic items, i need to build my dragon boat soon in Treasure Isle.
Q3. I am a forty year old man trying to get naughty with my wife over the past few months. But she is a Treasure Isle addict and preaches me important lessons in morality and justice through the game. She keeps on reiterating how her character is dwindling between completely redeemable and utterly despicable fine line while finding the hidden treasures and how the ambiguous moral issues of where the hidden treasures lie drives her towards sainthood. If this doesn't stop soon, it may drive me towards suicide soon. Kindly help.
A3: She seems to be suffering from acute schizophrenia. You can file your complaint to the national commission of men whose office is situated at Deen Dyal Upadhay Marg in Delhi. Since they don't have anything else to do, they might start a new revolution based on the mental torture you have to bear everyday. See, men like you don't have much choices -either change your wife or tolerate her. If you wish you can help her by being a neighbour on TI, at least she will be happy and can concentrate on other domestic chores. Otherwise, be prepared to eat salt-less daal in the coming weeks...just like cooked by my wife for our family. But in any event, do keep me updated. I certainly would feel happy if i can find another distressed soul in my esteem company.
Q4: I am a daily Treasure Isle player and add random people to provide me energy packs and fruits in the game. During playing of this game, i met a lovely lady from Fiji who says she finds me as hot as lava mangoes. She also thinks i am very caring as i am the only one who sends her gift items to complete her treasure collections. She wants me to come to Fiji to set our love mountain on Fire. I have my passport ready and i am sitting at Tinda Tour and Travels to book my tickets. Please help, Sir
A4: Look, I am not gay but i love you so much for not calling me an Uncle. Strike out all the fears and go and live your so-far-fucked-up-life by fucking her. I have heard amazing love tales in this column but nothing has been so fascinating. I can completely assure you are not stupid...at least,you didn't fall like me for a Citibank customer care girl who used to call me everyday and talk in a sexy voice to buy their bank's credit card. You are better than our politicians, you have got yourself an International offer whereas they have to forge their travel allowance to go abroad for a fuck. Shed your inhibitions and act like a true TI champion....And yes, please don't forget to take a pack of condoms from India, you can save up to 30% on inflation and foreign exchange charges. All the best, just rock it.
PS: Agony uncle is not responsible for any kind of emotional, physical and mental damage caused during the implementation of the solutions of these queries. All the answers are written in an inebriated state during the celebratory party of crossing level 300 in Treasure Isle. Cheers!